Dear October

wire fence and autumn field

Central Experimental Farm, Ottawa (October 2009)

~~~

Dear October,

Where did you go?

I had plans for you - glorious plans to put things into place, to get things ready and "hit the ground running" come November when my time at the office came to an end.

But instead you led me toward something different. You drew me into silence and reflection, into stillness. So now I'm ready to hit the ground sitting.

I just thought I'd let you know I'm OK with that.

Love always,

Steph

xo

On Change, Grieving and Touchstones...

feather at Mer Bleue Conservation Area, November 2010

I have four days left at the office.

This morning, for this first time, I allowed myself to grieve what I'm leaving: the people, the work I enjoy, the routine, the comfort and confidence, the KNOWN.*

I feel a bit like I did during the breakup of my first marriage - out with the old life and in with the new, without really knowing what the new one looks like yet. And like I was then, I'm scared. Excited and scared all at once.

 "Most people who have relinquished a job (or been fired or retired from one) grieve and feel lost for a time."

~ Marsha Sinetar, To Build the Life You Want, Create the Work You Love

So as I grieved, I remembered the small activities that ground me and made a note to do them: painting, laundry, dishes, morning pages, a walk in the woods, couch time with D. and Cassie. They keep it simple and in the moment.

Then I listed tangible things that will remain stable during my transition: my home, D., Cassie, my family and friends, the trees and the birds, my body. These remind me that work is just one aspect of my already full, rich life.

I guess it's normal to feel loss when we move on and let go of something that's been a constant for so long. What's important is to remind ourselves of the other things we can hold on to until we get to the other side.

~~~

* I just realized that a steady paycheck never even came up in my list of things to grieve - I guess there'll be time for that later.

Essence vs. Form

Essence: n 1 : fundamental nature or quality 2 : a substance distilled or extracted from another substance... and having the special qualities of the original substance

My thoughts are meandering this morning after a discussion with D. about dreams, possibility and change, ending up at the question of essence vs. form.

Back in July I spent a few days in Prince Edward County, Ontario, and was thoroughly smitten. The area spoke to me deeply, its strong vibes surrounding art, local food and entrepreneurship pulling me into possibility. Not to mention its location on the beautiful Lake Ontario.

I haven't stopped thinking about the place since. In fact, my experience there played a large role in my decision to transition to new work now vs. later.

But living or working there may not be available to me anytime soon so I thought I'd try abstracting what the County offered to me in July back to its essence: art, local, sustainable food, natural beauty (including a view of the water) and entrepreneurship.

Pinpointing what specific things spoke to me, I can now see if they are available in a different, more accessible form given my current circumstances.

Instead of feeling deprived I feel empowered.

~~~

How about you?

If the specific form of something you want to manifest is not readily available to you, could you let go of form and seek its essence in your current circumstances?

The Truth Is...

What She Seeks, 9x12 (2009)

... I'm preparing for a change of work, but not quite sure which route I will take yet.

... I am at once exhilarated and terrified at the prospect of trying something new.

... I am at once grateful for and overwhelmed with the options before me.

... I haven't painted in several weeks. My studio and office are in the midst of organizational chaos while I purge the old to make space for the new.

... I cannot wait to escape with creative kindreds to the woods of New Hampshire next week to laugh, cry and make art.

... I believe I can be financially successful via multiple streams of income.

... I believe I will need to adjust several of my internal scripts in order to do so.

... my head is full of ideas and posts and projects for this space at Creative Living Experiment.

... I don't know where or how to start putting them into action. But I know I will.

... I am excited and nervous.

... I am supported and loved.

... I will be more than OK.